TREATMENT HUMOR
Practitioners who perform procedures that are either boring or frightening to most patients should find treatment humor extremely helpful. This material doesn’t work for simple exams or treating patients under general anesthesia.
When explaining your procedure to a patient, you can get a good laugh or at least set the tone away from seriousness with this offering:
DOCTOR
“During this procedure there will be absolutely no pain (pause) for me and my staff.”
You emphasize absolutely. This line provides a great use of the unexpected to engender comedic relief.
Never pass up an opportunity to make your patients laugh. When your stomach starts talking in the middle of treatment, it can be rather embarrassing if you don’t embrace the moment:
DOCTOR
“I guess you realize that’s my stomach talking to you. Please ignore him when he tells you I’m a jerk. I miss one meal and he carries on like I never feed him.”
This little banter turns an embarrassing situation into a lighthearted opportunity to make your patient laugh.
Compliment Humor During Treatment
During the course of treatment, you should compliment the patient often. Terms to use should vary: “You are doing great (so well, fabulous, awesome, fantastic).” At one point immediately after you have given one of these compliments, you say very seriously,
DOCTOR
“I know it’s not polite to compliment myself this way.”
The patient will usually laugh and you respond:
DOCTOR
“Oh…. I guess you thought I was talking about you all this time.”
They will laugh.
Other variations on the compliment humor:
DOCTOR
“You’re the best patient I’ve seen today.”
Pause:
“Of course, no one else showed up yet.”
Variation:
DOCTOR
“I don’t think I have ever seen a patient as good as you.”
Pause:
“Of course, considering I’m not the doctor, I guess that’s expected.”
They laugh. If they jump up from the table, you better go back to the “just kidding” line, but don’t worry, most patients get it. You continue:
DOCTOR
“Actually, I’m the maintenance guy and I’ve seen the doctor doing this hundreds of times while I’m taking out the trash. You have nothing to worry about.”
Variation on the above:
DOCTOR
“I don’t think I have ever seen a patient as good as you… at least not since I got my medical license revoked.”
Wait for the reaction (a laugh or a look of surprise), and then continue:
DOCTOR
“Don’t worry; I should be getting it back any day now. At least that’s what my parole officer told me last week. I can’t believe they make such a big deal over a few minor felony charges.”
A variation using a bragging premise also works well. In the middle of a procedure, you can say:
DOCTOR
“I’d probably be the best dermatologist in the world… if they didn’t take away my license. You know, the people at the licensing board in this state seem to take felony charges just a little bit too seriously. I mean what are three or four felonies anyway? It’s not like I robbed a bank…. this year.”
These lines usually get such a great response that, on occasion, you may have to halt treatment to let the patient regain their composure.
It takes practice and a little timing to realize a properly placed pause enhances the comedic effect. You may not get a great response every time, but there is nothing more satisfying than making a patient laugh during an intimidating procedure. They will love you and be forever grateful.
Another variation on complimenting patients involves the surprise of insincerity:
DOCTOR
“You are the best patient I’ve seen today.”
You look at your assistant and continue:
DOCTOR
“Mary, did the last patient leave yet?”
She will acknowledge that the last patient left.
DOCTOR
“I really have to be careful. I just told my last patient they were the best patient I saw today. Don’t you worry. I won’t tell the next patient that….
until I’m sure you’ve left.
You can try this for a fast line during your treatment:
DOCTOR
“You are the best patient in the chair at the moment.”
Pause:
“Okay, you don’t think that’s much of a compliment, but I could have said you were the worst patient in the chair and that would be true, too. Hey, I’m on your side.”
There are a hundred ways to compliment your patients with humor, and while they aren’t always belly busters, they convey your personable nature.
DOCTOR
“You are doing so well that I think you are going to win the
patient of the day award.”
Pause while they chuckle.
DOCTOR
“I want you to stay by your phone tonight. We make the announcement around four in the morning, and I am almost positive you are going to be the winner.”
With a patient you’ve seen before and whom you have previously complimented you may continue the theme:
DOCTOR
“You are doing so well, I’m going to put another star on your chart.”
Pause:
“You have so many stars already; I have nowhere to write
what we are doing today.”
The Toy Box For Adults
When the patient is doing well and you want another joke regarding praise, you can use the toy box lines:
DOCTOR
“You are doing so well that I’m going to let you pick something from our invisible toy box.”
They should laugh with your pause.
DOCTOR
“That’s right, I’m going to have Mary take you up front and you can pick out anything you want; a new car, a world cruise, just about anything you can imagine. I must, however, caution you; Mary will be watching to make sure you don’t try to take more than one prize. We keep a strict inventory and we’d hate to embarrass you by making you put back any extras you try to sneak out of the office.”
The lines offered in this text usually work well with little or no modification depending upon your type of practice. Start slowly and use material that requires one or two easy-to-remember lines. Once you have the confidence that you can get good results, try the longer routines.
LONGER ROUTINES
During the course of treatment, mind reading routines work well:
DOCTOR
“I know what you’re thinking.”
Pause:
“Your life had little or no meaning until root canal therapy with me.”
Substitute your procedure the one above: corn removal, physical therapy, splinter removal, suturing in the ER, you name it – except heed caution using this line during a proctologic or GYN exam. The patient will laugh, chuckle, grin, or moan. You can stop there if you really need to concentrate on your operation, but if you do the same thing a hundred times every day, you can proceed:
DOCTOR
“Pretty good, huh? You didn’t know I could read minds. As a matter of fact, the doctors who studied me at the institute had doubts, too. They told me it wasn’t mind reading. They said I was hearing voices.”
Pause:
“Can you imagine that? So they insisted that I try this medication. Now you’re not going to believe this, but after a few days on the medicine, I couldn’t read minds. What a bummer. I was so lonely, that I stopped taking the medicine, and wow,
I can read minds again.”
Pause for the finale.
DOCTOR
“I know what you’re thinking.”
Pause:
“And I am not full of…”
Pause:
“I couldn’t make out that last word.”
A variation on the mind reading goes like this:
DOCTOR
“I know what you’re thinking.”
Pause:
“You never had this much fun in your life.”
You either get the groan, a “not really,” or they may even agree, albeit with sarcasm. Look at your assistant and continue:
DOCTOR
“Jill, will you call the company and tell them I want to return the mind reading course immediately?”
Pause:
“No, wait! I think I got it this time.”
You look back in the patient’s eyes and state:
DOCTOR
“You wish I’d shut up and get done.”
Now the patient laughs.
Pause:
“I knew it. In mind reading, those two phrases sound very much alike. Jill you can forget returning the course. I’m just now getting the knack of this mind reading stuff.”
If you work on that routine, you will have many happy, loyal patients who will never forget the experience.
Here’s a great routine to offer while working on a patient who comes to you in pain or who may expect to have postoperative pain after you complete the procedure.
DOCTOR
“You’re going to feel like a new woman.”
You wait a moment for it to sink in.
DOCTOR
“Of course I don’t want you to get too excited, because this woman is homeless and sleeps on a park bench.”
They laugh and you continue:
DOCTOR
“I guess now you realize you should have been happy with the woman you were, instead of wanting to feel like a new woman.”
Don’t rush it; pause and continue:
DOCTOR
“Of course, there’s a bright side to everything. This woman you’re going to feel like: she has all her worldly goods in a shoebox.”
Pause for the laugh.
DOCTOR
“She never has to worry about closet space.”
A few minutes later, a variation works well as it utilizes unexpected irony:
DOCTOR
“You’re going to feel like a new woman.”
You pause letting them think you forgot you just used that line.
DOCTOR
“You think I forgot that I already told you that, but I didn’t.”
Pause:
“I just changed my mind. This new woman you’re going to feel like…
…she recently left home to join the circus.”
As trite as these routines sound, they work almost every time. Once you have mastered this little foray into standup, you will win over just about every patient you see, except for those who are going to report you to the state medical board. Some people just can’t take a joke!
TEAM COMEDY
Having a great assistant with a sense of humor helps enormously. If you tell a joke and no one laughs, it takes its toll on your ego and could discourage you from continuing your quest for the perfect bedside manner. Having an assistant who will laugh over and over at the same joke makes your routines appear funny. When your assistant laughs, it lets the patient know you are joking, it tells them they can laugh, and it sets the stage for contagious laughter. Of course you may have to bribe your assistant with a big raise or bonus.
The assistant should be used as the straight guy and avoid upstaging the doctor. I once had an assistant who liked my jokes so much she decided to use them before I came into the room. I finally figured it out. After using a surefire winning line, the patient said, “That’s funny, but your assistant said the same thing right before you came in.” You may have noticed, I said I once had an assistant who used my jokes before I came into the room.
Your assistant can be used as the brunt of some of your jokes–but it must be in good fun and never to demean, as that would be inappropriate, and it may ruin your reputation and bedside manner. From the legal perspective, using an employee as the target of repeated jokes can result in a harassment or discrimination suit. You must make sure your assistants aren’t offended by your jokes. They usually welcome the humor, as it injects a little appreciated fun into the workplace, but make sure to ask.
Tell the patient how good your assistant is while ending the compliment with a punch line:
DOCTOR
“Jennifer is the best assistant I ever had.”
Pause:
“And to think, she couldn’t speak English just last week.”
The patient and Jennifer will laugh. You pause.
DOCTOR
“I’ve always liked working with migrant farm workers. I met Jennifer during a grape boycott.”
Variation:
DOCTOR
“Jennifer is the best assistant I ever had. You can find some really good help at the home for the criminally insane.”
They laugh; you pause and finish with the finale.
DOCTOR
“I met her there when we were roommates.”
If your assistant drops an instrument, it offers an opportunity for a line:
DOCTOR
“Mary used to be a knife thrower at the circus. I guess you can figure out why she’s working here with me now. It’s not that she was fired; they just couldn’t find anyone to stand there with an apple on their head.”
Here’s another great series of jokes involving the assistant. While doing a procedure with your assistant say:
DOCTOR
“Sometimes people take things too literally. Why, just the other day, Mary asked if I needed a certain instrument. I said, ‘No, you can hold up.’ Now you’re not going to believe this, but when I said ‘hold up,’ she pulled out a gun and took my money and the patient’s insurance co-payment.”
Stories like this are so unexpected, especially coming from a doctor that they take the patient by surprise. They love the stories and they will love you too.
You follow up with:
DOCTOR
“That was nothing. I was working on a patient the other day and they felt a little discomfort. Being just about done, I said, ‘Bare with me.’ All of a sudden, I turn around and Mary is standing there naked. I was so embarrassed.”
NEEDLE HUMOR
Needle jokes are helpful if you administer injections and want to ease the process. They are a real boost for bedside manner. Needle jokes show a patient you care about them by trying to lighten the experience. By having needle jokes, you combine the elements of humor and compassion in one package.
You should do everything you can to make sure you give a great injection. There is nothing more powerful than giving a painless needle to make a patient love you forever. Usually, some form of distraction including elements of tissue manipulation and talking gets the job done. While topical anesthetics have limited effectiveness, using them helps allay fears and may provide a placebo effect.
When giving a mandibular block injection, or any of the many infiltrations used in dentistry, manipulate the mucosa vigorously with a finger or thumb and pull the mucosa onto the needle in such a manner that the patient very often won’t know when the actual injection takes place. This massage technique can distract a patient from most needles and make the experience more pleasant. Assuming you give a great needle, or at least that you are injecting one of the many patients who take injections stoically, there are a number of humorous lines that can enhance your bedside manner.
During or after injecting the star patient:
DOCTOR
“You’re doing so well. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were Superman (Superwoman, Superboy, or Supergirl).”
Quite often the patient will chuckle, but don’t always expect it. Some stoic patients are concentrating so hard that they may not respond. That doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate your humor. Continue:
DOCTOR
“You know there’s a way to test this theory. I have Kryptonite in the back office and I can use that if necessary.”
This often gets the stoic to chuckle.
Variation:
DOCTOR
“I can’t believe how good you are at this. Why, just the other day I was treating Superman, and he didn’t do as well as you.”
Pause:
“Of course, I put Kryptonite in his Novocain (flu shot, steroid injection).”
Or try this version while injecting:
DOCTOR
“You are doing so well. I can’t believe it. Why, just last week, I treated Superman, and you’re not going to believe this (pause) he cried. That’s right, you’re doing better than Superman.”
While young boys love that one, most adults laugh at every one of these Superman lines.
While injecting a stoic patient, you can try:
DOCTOR
“I can’t believe how good you are at this. You are a rock! I bet your friends call you Rocky.”
Pause:
“But it’s probably because you can’t walk a straight line.”
Most patients are not fond of needles–even the stoics. You can use these lines with the patients who make noise and aren’t that great since conversation helps get their minds off the experience.
Another good line while injecting uses the addict theme:
DOCTOR
“You are doing so well. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you’re a B12 addict. Be honest, you just came here to get more B12.”
These lines work with allergy shots, flu shots, Novocain, steroid injections into joints, and just about any type of needle you may have to give.
When you get good at using humor with your patients, you will have some of them laughing quite a bit during the course of treatment. You can play upon this by saying things that really get them rolling:
DOCTOR
“I want you to know that your secret is safe with me.”
Pause:
“I’m not going to tell the authorities you were laughing like this during root canal therapy (substitute your procedure here). But I can’t be responsible for anything you tell your friends and loved ones. You tell them how you were laughing and they may just have you committed.”
GOODBYE HUMOR
After a visit you want to leave the patient with a last memento of your comical style. Depending upon when they need to see you again, you can use various lines. If you need to see the patient in a few days or weeks:
DOCTOR
“I’ll need to see you in two weeks for another treatment. Now, make sure you don’t go around telling all your friends and family how much you like coming here, or they’ll have you committed (locked up, sent away).”
Or you can try:
DOCTOR
“I know you’ll be counting the days in anticipation of another fun experience. Just don’t tell your friends how great this is, or I’ll get so busy I won’t be able to see you when you need my services.”
If you don’t need to see the patient again:
DOCTOR
“Well, I guess it’s time to say goodbye. I’m glad we were able to help you and if you’re lucky, you’ll never have to see me again. But we’ll be ready for you if you decide you miss us.”
Now isn’t that better than saying “Have a nice day”?
MEDICAL DEVICES AND HUMOR
____
An E.R. nurse was examining an elderly woman who happened to be hard of hearing. She put the stethoscope to her chest and said, “Big breaths.” The woman replied, “Yes, and they used to be bigger.”
____
Every area of health care has procedures and equipment that naturally invite comedy. Several examples will provide ideas for creating your own lines for equipment you use. Remember, patients love funny doctors, they tell their friends and family to use them, and they will be reluctant to sue warm, compassionate, humorous health-care providers–even if things go wrong.
Figure 1: Saliva Ejector
The Saliva Ejector (figure 1)
Most dental procedures begin with the placement of the saliva ejector. This offers a brief comedic opportunity.
DOCTOR
“I’m sure you’ve seen the saliva ejector. This helps to keep your mouth dry. If it’s uncomfortable here, you can put it where you’d like it. Of course, my last patient put it in my mouth.”
Pause:
“There are some very hostile people out there.
I sure hope you aren’t one of them.”
Unless your patient is scared out of their wits, they always laugh, and it sets the stage for the rest of the treatment.
Figure 2: The Otoscopic Exam
The Scope
Many doctors make use of various types of scopes. These devices are used to look inside the nose, ears, throat and just about any accessible cavity. In examining the deep recesses of the throat, an endoscope is inserted into the nose and down the throat. Most often this is done without sedation, and while it doesn’t usually hurt, it’s rather unpleasant. Less invasive, routine examinations of the ears and nose are done with the otoscope (figure 2). These procedures provide for a moment of humor. After preparing the patient with an explanation of what to expect and just before insertion:
DOCTOR
“After I have a look around in here, I’ll let you know if I see anything interesting. The other day I found a pistachio nut, two marbles and a paper clip.”
Pause:
“While none of that’s true, it makes for an interesting story.”
This kind of banter provides an opportunity to relax the patient in an otherwise serious setting.
Figure 3: Rubber Dam
The Rubber Dam
In dentistry there is a device called a rubber dam (Figure 3). It’s a latex rubber cover that goes over the tooth being treated, and it looks like the patient is wearing a mask. They come in many colors, though green is used by many dentists. While wearing the rubber dam, the patient can’t talk back, but they can, most certainly, laugh.
Before placing the rubber dam, explain that you have to put a cover over their tooth to keep germs out of their tooth and dust from getting into their mouth. Once the rubber dam is in place:
DOCTOR
“If you’re good today, I’ll let you wear this home.”
They almost always laugh. In which case, you can continue:
DOCTOR
“This is your color. It looks great on you. Maybe you should consider some green rubber clothing for your fall wardrobe.”
Variation:
“I know this sounds kind of odd, but it looks, to me, like you have a large lettuce leaf growing out of your tooth.”
These lines sound lame, but they really work.
Figure 4: Patient Gown
The Patient Gown
Fashion humor works well with the lovely gowns (figure 4) patients get to wear in the hospital or while being examined in your office.
When the gynecologist walks into the room with the patient draped in a flimsy covering, that’s a great time to comment:
DOCTOR
“Mary, that sheet looks so good on you.
If you want to wear it home, just let me know.”
A similar line works great for the doctor making rounds in the hospital. As you uncover the patient to perform your exam you say:
DOCTOR
“If you’re interested, I can get you this same gown with the fur collar.”
Variation:
DOCTOR
“I know the people in wardrobe, and if you are interested I can get them to let you wear this gown home.”
These comments will make your patients smile and more likely laugh, but more importantly, you will ease their anxiety.
Variation:
Sam is waiting for the digital rectal exam:
DOCTOR
“Sam, that gown looks great on you. It reminds me of the other night when there was a full moon.”
Variation:
DOCTOR
“Sam, that gown looks great on you, but if you’re planning on going out formal this evening, you might want to try something in a darker shade.”
Variation:
“Sam, that gown looks great on you, but before you leave, you might want to consider something to cover your butt.”
Figure 5: The Stethoscope
The Stethoscope
The stethoscope (figure 5) always offers a great way to get a laugh:
DOCTOR
“I know this may be a bit cold, but it’s so much better than last month, when I used popsicles to check hearts.”
Start rubbing the stethoscope in your hands to warm it up and try this:
DOCTOR
I’ve had this one out of the freezer for almost two whole minutes. It should be just fine.
HOLIDAY HUMOR
Holidays offer special opportunities to joke with your patients. If you use a green rubber dam, the week of Saint Patrick’s Day allows you to joke:
DOCTOR
“What luck! Being that Saint Patrick’s Day is just around the corner, I’m going to let you wear this home.”
Pause:
“You can tell your friends it’s a shamrock put on your tooth
by a lucky leprechaun.”
For the entire week after the holiday vary the line:
DOCTOR
“It’s a shame you missed our Saint Patrick’s Day special. I let all my patients wear this thing home so they could celebrate in style.”
Halloween is another chance for joking with the rubber dam
DOCTOR
“If you’re good I’ll let you wear this home for trick-or-treat.”
Or the variation:
DOCTOR
“It’s a shame you missed our Halloween special. I let all my patients wear this home for trick-or-treat.”
The clinic gown works well for the Halloween humor:
DOCTOR
“George, if you’d like, you can wear this gown for Halloween next week. It makes a great ghost costume if you just cover your butt.”
SMOKING HUMOR
Electro-surgery, laser treatments, melting filling material or any procedure that produces smoke the patient can see or smell offers a great opportunity to alleviate the patient’s fear by using humor:
DOCTOR
“I’m using the laser to remove your wart, and I don’t want you to worry
if you see smoke.”
Pause:
“If you hear sirens, that’s something you should worry about.”
Variation after the pause:
DOCTOR
“If you see men running into the room wearing funny hats and carrying a big hose, then you have something to worry about.”
Another variation after the pause:
DOCTOR
“If you see me and Mary running out of the room yelling things like ‘call 911,’ that’s something you should worry about.”
Another variation after the pause:
DOCTOR
“If you notice a warm feeling in your socks and see smoke coming out of your shoes, you should let me know.”
RIDE IN THE CHAIR HUMOR
Any practice that has a chair or table that tilts backwards lends to humor:
DOCTOR
“This ride is the best part of the treatment, so I do hope you are
enjoying yourself.”
THE LEAD SHIELD
The lead shield offers a cute line if the patient is supine when you place it:
DOCTOR
“If I pull this shield over your head, it means