Practitioners who perform procedures that are either boring or frightening to most patients should find treatment humor extremely helpful. This material doesn’t work for treating patients under general anesthesia - I do hope that is obvious.

When explaining your procedure to a patient, you can get a good laugh or at least set the tone away from seriousness with this offering:

DOCTOR

“During this procedure there will be absolutely no pain (pause) for me and my staff.”

 You emphasize absolutely. This line provides a great use of the unexpected to engender comedic relief. Your patients will laugh...or leave if they have no sense of humor.

An Unexpected Opportunity To Joke Around

Never pass up an opportunity to make your patients laugh. When your stomach starts talking in the middle of treatment, it can be rather embarrassing if you don’t embrace the moment:

DOCTOR

“I guess you realize that’s my stomach talking to you. Please ignore him when he tells you I’m a jerk. I miss one meal and he carries on like I never feed him.”

This little banter turns an embarrassing situation into a lighthearted opportunity to make your patient laugh.

Compliment Humor During Treatment

During the course of treatment, you should compliment the patient often. Terms to use should vary: “You are doing great (so well, fabulous, awesome, fantastic).” At one point immediately after you have given one of these compliments, you say very seriously,

DOCTOR

“I know it’s not polite to compliment myself this way.”

The patient will usually laugh and you respond:

DOCTOR

“Oh…. I guess you thought I was talking about you all this time.”

They will laugh.

Other variations on the compliment humor:

DOCTOR

“You’re the best patient I’ve seen today.”

Pause:

 “Of course, no one else showed up yet.”

Variation:

DOCTOR

“I don’t think I have ever seen a patient as good as you.”

Pause:

 “Of course, considering I’m not the doctor, I guess that’s expected.”

They laugh. If they jump up from the table, you better go back to the “just kidding” line, but don’t worry, most patients get it. You continue:

DOCTOR

“Actually, I’m the maintenance guy and I’ve seen the doctor doing this hundreds of times while I’m taking out the trash. You have nothing to worry about.”

Variation on the above:

DOCTOR

“I don’t think I have ever seen a patient as good as you… at least not since I got my medical license revoked.”

Wait for the reaction (a laugh or a look of surprise), and then continue:

DOCTOR

“Don’t worry; I should be getting it back any day now. At least that’s what my parole officer told me last week. I can’t believe they make such a big deal over a few minor felony charges.”

A variation using a bragging premise also works well. In the middle of a procedure, you can say:

DOCTOR

“I’d probably be the best dermatologist in the world… if they didn’t take away my license. You know, the people at the licensing board in this state seem to take felony charges just a little bit too seriously. I mean what are three or four felonies anyway? It’s not like I robbed a bank…. this year.”

These lines usually get such a great response that, on occasion, you may have to halt treatment to let the patient regain their composure.

It takes practice and a little timing to realize a properly placed pause enhances the comedic effect. You may not get a great response every time, but there is nothing more satisfying than making a patient laugh during an intimidating procedure. They will love you and be forever grateful.

Another variation on complimenting patients involves the surprise of insincerity:

DOCTOR

“You are the best patient I’ve seen today.”

You look at your assistant and continue:

DOCTOR

“Mary, did the last patient leave yet?”

She will acknowledge that the last patient left.

DOCTOR

“I really have to be careful. I just told my last patient they were the best patient I saw today. Don’t you worry. I won’t tell the next patient that….until I’m sure you’ve left.

You can try this for a fast line during your treatment:

DOCTOR

“You are the best patient in the chair at the moment.”

Pause:

 “Okay, you don’t think that’s much of a compliment, but I could have said you were the worst patient in the chair and that would be true, too. Hey, I’m on your side.”

There are a hundred ways to compliment your patients with humor, and while they aren’t always belly busters, they convey your personable nature.

DOCTOR

“You are doing so well that I think you are going to win the

patient of the day award.”

Pause while they chuckle.

DOCTOR

“I want you to stay by your phone tonight. We make the announcement around four in the morning, and I am almost positive you are going to be the winner.”

With a patient you’ve seen before and whom you have previously complimented you may continue the theme:

DOCTOR

“You are doing so well, I’m going to put another star on your chart.”

Pause:

 “You have so many stars already; I have nowhere to write

what we are doing today.”

The Toy Box For Adults

When the patient is doing well and you want another joke regarding praise, you can use the toy box lines:

DOCTOR

“You are doing so well that I’m going to let you pick something from our invisible toy box.”

They should laugh with your pause.

DOCTOR

“That’s right, I’m going to have Mary take you up front and you can pick out anything you want; a new car, a world cruise, just about anything you can imagine. I must, however, caution you; Mary will be watching to make sure you don’t try to take more than one prize. We keep a strict inventory and we’d hate to embarrass you by making you put back any extras you try to sneak out of the office.”

The lines offered in this post usually work well with little or no modification depending upon your type of practice. Start slowly and use material that requires one or two easy-to-remember lines.

When delving in to the world of comedy, use lines that are easy to remember and practice them until they becomes second nature. Once you get the hang of jesting and have the confidence that you really can be funny, go for the longer lines. Develop ways to keep track of what lines you use so that you avoid looking like you use the same lines over and over. While you can’t remember every line you used with every patient, you can have first visit lines, second visit lines, lines to greet first time patients, and so forth. This will keep you from looking scripted. While bedside manner is a compilation of many traits, the power of humor is very close to the top.

For many more humor-scripts refer to the textbook, Bedside Manner from which this blog is based.